I have a hundred million thoughts running around in my head. At least. The last few weeks have been a whirlwind of emotions and activities and sleepless nights. I don’t even know where to start, but I do know that my best start always begins with opening up the computer and forming words and sentences and before I know it, I’ve gotten it out and there it is, blatantly revealing things I never knew about myself on the page in front of me. So that’s what I’m doing. In case you were, you know, wondering what the jibberish you’re about to read really was.
And so. There’s so many things, so much stuff that I need and want to wade through that’s going on in my head. Last semester was nothing less than amazing, and I have this annoying fear that this semester won’t measure up, that things will change so much that I just won’t love it as much as I did, and I’ll look back on August and September and October and November of 2009 and long for them. Change has always presented a problem for me, and so this quandary is really no surprise to someone who is as trained in the ways of me as I am. I read a quote, which I’ve listed here before, that went something like, “Life is all too often wishing fervently for yesterday, a time that you didn’t know you were enjoying so much until it was gone, and missing out on today because of it.” (A girl’s gotta paraphrase every now and then.) I have loved so many parts of my life so fervently after the fact, or even while on my way to something better. I absolutely loved ninth grade, and I was wary of starting tenth grade because I knew things wouldn’t be the same. Chances are, if you would’ve given me the option then, in my moment of fear, if I could have that ninth grade year forever, I might have said yes. It isn’t probable, but it’s likely, and that would have sucked. I look back and see that ninth grade was small potatoes compared to what came in tenth grade and eleventh grade and senior year and now. It usually works that way, I know, I know. But that doesn’t stifle the anxiety that hits me when I realize “Wait a second…things look different.” But things look different indeed. Our classes are different, our schedules are different, our needs and wants are different. So that’s one thing; a silly thing, sure, but it’s one thing.
And then, there’s the Lord. So much, so much. I feel like I’ve crossed this road in my relationship with Him…it has matured in such a way that I’m now on to a deeper relationship. I’ve conquered fears and trials and issues that I had struggled with throughout high school. College has given me that push, and I’m in a more real, more demanding, more frightening, more rewarding relationship. My heart is full, and, as is not uncommon with my God but somewhat surprising to any who know me, I cannot put much of it into words, except for that I am trying very hard to be open and ready and to jump into it with my eyes on Him. I want to be a good and faithful servant, someone who exudes Christ in her everyday life. I want my words and my actions to match, and I want them to point to Him. I want to worship Him with more than the songs that I sing, but also in the way that I console a friend or say, “Excuse me,” or smile at someone or share my faith. And all of that is harder than it reads, a lifelong adventure. But I want to be who He wants me to be, and I want to do what He wants me to do, and that’s that.
I can already feel the stress that is school settle over me like the suffocation that belongs to a sweatshirt that is too small. It’s bearable, but man, you just want out. I don’t want out of school, necessarily- I love school, I love my friends, I love the busy that surrounds it, and truthfully, I get crazy without the go. But I’m already making to-do lists and feeling overwhelmed and nervous and it’s only day three. It’s going to take a bit to get used to going to class every single day, I’ll tell you that much. I keep waiting for the day when I don’t have class (which was three days a week last semester!), and that day isn’t coming until, well, Saturday. Pshh. Been there, done that, and it was called high school. So, yeah, a little getting used to is in order. I think this semester is going to go a little differently than last, as I already mentioned. Last semester we were so caught up in each other, and in the magic of being on our own and making our own decisions that we made some interesting ones. I wouldn’t take back the nights that turned into mornings, or the endless movies with all of us molded into someone’s dorm room. No, I wouldn’t. But, at least for me, that might not be a repeat this semester. I’ve got early morning classes (see three sentences ago) and I’m exercising (wish me luck) and that takes time and energy and now that I know I can have a 4.0 (!) I want to maintain it, and I feel that is certainly possible this semester, with a little time and effort.
It’s truly shaping up to be a really cool time in my life, as long as I let it. I want to let go of the fears that hold onto me with their grubby little fists and just be. I want to run in my own lane, and glorify God every.single.day and be happy as much as possible. My problem is that I often get caught on things that matter not, things that I spin into issues and let them fester, until I’m mad or hurt over something that shouldn’t have been a blip on my radar. Today’s the day to change that!
I realize this post was all over everywhere, and for that I apologize. You should know that I didn’t even scrape the surface that is this thought center of mine. There’s more and more and more. But that’s enough for tonight.