New hopes, new dreams.

I used believe, wholeheartedly, that I once I made in journalism- once I was editor-in-chief of Glamour magazine, with an assistant and an apartment and high heels that went clackety-clack-clack down important hallways, that that’s when I’d be successful. Luckily, it only took a year for me to change my mind.

I really did believe that small time, small town anything was not for me, and I really did want to be editor-in-chief of Glamour. But then I went through my first year of college and I was told the statistics and the stories about how journalism is going down in flames, and I still think I could do it. And then I got in way too deep with the Lord and I realized that nothing about Glamour magazine glorifies Him, and how could His child put out a magazine that gives women 75 new ways to pleasure their boyfriends in bed each month? So I began to turn my sights, and honestly, I have no clue to where; all I know is that if I’m glorifying Him and I’m happy, I’ll be just fine, and if I’m not happy, I’ll glorify Him anyway, and I’ll find my joy there. Not in some job, although I’d like to do something I love to do. I’m just not sure what that is right now, and if I don’t know in three years when I graduate, that’s okay. I’ll go where He leads me, and I’ll go with a cheerful heart. I’d still like to live in a big city, but if I end up in some little town, so be it.

Moreover, I’ve amped up the things I want in life. I’m just a kid, and I know that, but I’m slowly uncovering all of the important things that make you happy- things that never seemed like they would except you know they do, because all of the elderly people tell you that one day you’ll see, and then you do. And so I want a family. I have a family, and I love my family, but I want my own, one day. I want a husband who loves the Lord and who loves me, and that’s all I need him to be. Sure, I’d like him to be outrageously hilarious and I’d love it if he knew how to make and serve coffee and it would be really, really nice if he could write poems and actually liked doing that sort of thing, but if he’s none of that, I’m sure he could still be mine, if he’s who God has for me. And I’m certain he’s out there, but I trust the Lord’s timing, so until he’s given to me, I’m just praying for him. But I am excited for our life together.

I used to think that maybe I shouldn’t have children because I firmly believe that once you have kids, they should be your priority because, well, they didn’t ask to be here. I just wasn’t sure if I was cut out for that, especially given my genetic predisposition for all things bad parenting. I’ve been number 13 or 14 or my parents’ list of important things and let me tell you- it doesn’t feel good. And chances aren’t high, if you’re down that low, that you’ll be moving up. But people, I want kids. And because of Christ in me, I am positive that I can be a wonderful mother. I can break the cycle of carelessness and abandonment; I can flatten statistics that swear addiction will thrive in me. I have hopes and dreams for my children that have nothing to do with their careers or their salaries; I want to raise them to wholeheartedly strive to follow this verse:

Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. 13Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. 14And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.
15Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. 16Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom, and as you sing psalms, hymns and spiritual songs with gratitude in your hearts to God. 17And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.  -Colossians 3:12-17                               

I want them to be better people than I am. I want to have a big family and I want us to love and respect each other, to be each other’s closest companions and most honest friends. I want to have children who treat their family- and the world- with compassion, kindness, and gentleness. I want to show them what humility and patience is all about.  For goodness sa
kes, I want to cook them dinner and fold their towels and if that means I don’t have a job for awhile, I think that’s okay. I never thought that would be me, but as I spend more time with the kids around me and as I see all of the potential that my family has and throws away to be all of that and more, I know what I want.

And it isn’t to be editor-in-chief of Glamour.


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